When I Do Relationships So Right How Do They Go So Wrong Page 2

  Take heart, because it is fully possible to learn new ways of having successful, supportive relationships with the people in your life who mean the most to you. It is possible to turn even severely broken relationships in a positive direction.

  You can revitalize your relationships and reap the benefits of having satisfied, supportive, encouraging, and even soulful connections with others in your life.

  Why do relationships go so wrong?

  We all have common behavior patterns and patterns of communicating that we consider perfectly normal. These patterns are taught to us by society—but in truth, they lead to great distress in our relationships.

  Although prevalent, they are counterproductive. Because they are so common, we don’t even notice them—they are completely hidden from our conscious thought.

  For example, we may have grown up in a family where it was OK to judge and criticize others. Perhaps the whole family chimes in with agreement, so it seems right. Everyone is doing it, so we don’t question our pattern. This is just one pattern that will in time sabotage our relationships.

  Some of the patterns cause knee-jerk reactions that ripple out and cause longer-term damage. Or they might result in counter-reactions from others that boomerang back immediately, escalating anger and arguments.

  One pattern always leaves one relationship partner at a disadvantage, becoming a habit that can be uncomfortable for both partners but difficult to see and to break.

  Another pattern brings other parties into the relationship to diffuse tension. This might improve the primary relationship temporarily, but the issues still exist, and ultimately must either be addressed or permitted to continue, causing discomfort for everyone.

  We all use these patterns not only because we are familiar with them, but because they work—at first. But as we continue to use them, trust and communication break down and the patterns backfire, resulting in strained and often broken relationships.

  It’s hard to anticipate what actions on our part might cause discomfort, fear, anger, or resentment on the part of a friend or someone we love. That’s because it’s difficult to put ourselves into someone else’s shoes. We tend to think and act from our own viewpoints, and only learn we’ve offended someone after the fact—after it’s too late. The same thing happens in reverse, with others being unable to anticipate our feelings when they speak or act.

  The good news is, there is hope for our relationships. Once we learn improved ways to act and communicate, we can develop more successful relationships that avoid the bumps and bruises caused by old ways of communicating.

  This book will help you to uncover the hidden patterns you and others are using that may be sabotaging your potentially successful relationships.

  If you find that you practice most or all the patterns you will learn about, take heart—this means you have flexibility. It will be easier for you to grow and change. Those who practice only one pattern may find it harder to make changes. They will simply need more assistance. If they have motivation and determination to succeed, they will have what they need to reach their goal.

  How can you make your relationships go right?

  For each relationship pattern or habit that fails to work well, this book will teach you multiple ways to reverse the pattern or habit. These ways will not seem too foreign or awkward. They arise from consideration and love and are comfortable to use.

  The book will empower you to improve just one relationship or many. Since the new patterns you will develop are universally applicable, they will improve your experience with any type of relationship. This includes your relationship with yourself (do you ever beat yourself up in your mind?), and with others at home, your friends, people at work, in your neighborhood, or on a larger stage such as your community.

  To begin anew in your relationships, you will learn through examples, through explanation, and through your own thoughtful consideration how to take the first steps to understand where the problems in your relationships lie and how to untangle them.

  You will learn that although we all contribute to relationship problems, it’s not anyone’s fault. There is no need to assign blame. The answers are much more positive.

  Good communication plays a major role in making our relationships work, but there is much more to successful relationships than this. You will learn to find gentle ways to turn things around. Sometimes even stepping back and letting go can free up enough space in a relationship to work wonders.

  You will develop new attitudes and awareness through the examples and explanations in this book and through self-reflection. You’ll be able to:

  Envision the big picture, understanding the whole situation—the forces affecting your friend or loved one that go way beyond your own personal relationship.

  Dedicate yourself to your important people, even when they make mistakes out of high emotion or stress. You’ll patiently, persistently reach out to connect, which is potent for healing breaks in your relationships. It is not easy. But you will encounter successful methods in the chapters to come.

  Know how to weed through relationship chaos in times of stress. Understanding triangles will help you strengthen your one-to-one relationships.

  Avoid the long-term downside of the overdoing and underdoing pattern that at first feels like love, but once ingrained as a habit causes increasing resentment and difficulty.

  We all have more than one relationship. We have networks. You’ll learn how to cull and grow your networks continually to surround yourself with people who are willing and able to be mutually supportive.

  What’s more, the solutions in this book will make your networks, whether they include family, friends, neighbors, or coworkers, so much more effective. Because the new patterns and solutions work so well, it takes only one person to change what they’re doing to effect positive change in the other members of any group. As one person gains in maturity, others gradually take on more mature behavior as well.

  If you are the person taking steps to encourage change, you’ll feel pleased and gratified to gradually see the others in your group interacting happily and spreading good will with each other rather than the criticism or barbs that once may have dominated their interactions.

  The importance of change

  Improving your life requires change and motivation. As you begin to change by applying the principles in this book, it will become a self-reinforcing process. Even if sometimes change feels awkward, your progress will encourage you to continue these positive changes.

  This book will give you ample motivation. Until then, just relax about changing and go forward with a curious mindset.

  What are the secrets to relationship success?

  The real first secret to successful relationships begins with our relationship with ourselves. We all have certain chronic anxieties (we are often unaware of) that make it difficult for us to navigate relationships under stress. And relationships are often under stress.

  When one person with underlying anxieties interacts with another person with anxieties, you can guess what happens—the two react emotionally. It’s a recipe for disaster when it comes to getting along over the long term in a stressful environment.

  So the first secret is that it’s essential to identify and deal with our own anxieties in order to develop emotional maturity. By desensitizing ourselves to anxieties we’re holding onto, and by reprocessing or reframing the information stored in our subconscious, we can participate in relationships differently—more effectively.

  Rather than reacting emotionally when a friend or loved one approaches us in an uncomfortable way, we can step back and determine the best way to handle the situation.

  This approach calls for other success secrets which include realizing when it is best not to take action or comment personally. First, invite them to explain their views about the subject.

  This can take time and requires the cooperation of both parties. But you can gain your friend’s coop
eration using a calm, inclusive, nonjudgmental approach. You also will learn other secrets to success throughout the book that you can begin to use. You will begin to see results from the start.

  A structure to improve human behavior

  According to Murray Bowen, a psychiatrist and scientist, emotional maturity results from a person’s ability to differentiate themselves or to think like an individual while still being meaningfully connected with others. It’s an ability to balance one’s emotions and intelligence, being true to oneself while giving others room to be true to their unique selves.

  To learn how emotional maturity is achieved, Bowen observed and thought about emotionally-mature people he knew. He was aware of their successful relationships. He thought about the processes they used when faced with conflict.

  This process, along with Bowen’s earlier studies, resulted in Bowen family systems theory. My thirty-five years of practice helping others to greatly improve their relationships and their lives is grounded in this theory.

  Bowen theory will help you discover practical aspects of emotional maturity that will empower you to feel lighter, more hopeful, more capable. Bowen found that people making this effort eventually become the one others turn to for advice. Thus, your growing inner strengths will be noticed and reflected back to you by others.

  Fifteen years into my practice I discovered a second key healing approach I’ve used to help my clients make quantum leaps in the process of improving their relationships. I’ve been using EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy with clients successfully for twenty years.

  You may have heard of EMDR therapy. It is often used for PTSD, but it’s not limited to helping PTSD alone. EMDR enables people to rapidly resolve events or issues that have impacted their mind, emotions, and even physical sensations, whether the events happened just weeks or years in the past.

  Through a process of reprocessing conscious and subconscious information from key experiences, this therapy promotes the empowerment of your best brain in ways you will understand after reading this book. EMDR provides better access to your strengths and talents that you may have forgotten but not lost.

  When I received EMDR training in 1997, I could see the great potential to help Bowen theory become more efficient. I could see my clients make efficient breakthroughs they rarely did through Bowen alone.

  So, although Murray Bowen did not believe in protocols, I created a protocol to combine or integrate the two methods. I call it iBE (integrative Bowen and EMDR). I’ve found that integrating the two approaches helps people progress in their relationships with a speed and naturalness that has been remarkable to both clients and myself. See appendix 1 for more information about how iBE therapy was developed.

  A protocol can have great value. The EMDR approach, when integrated with Bowen in iBE, has the capacity to increase differentiation of self or emotional maturity more quickly. “It’s like Bowen on steroids!” as one therapist reported after she applied iBE with clients for a few months.

  I have since practiced and researched an iBE group protocol to serve an urgent need for greater numbers of people to progress more efficiently, and at a lower cost.

  What drew me to Bowen theory? A personal story

  It can be helpful and interesting to understand how the process you might use to change your life was developed.

  When I was in my social work graduate program at the University of Minnesota, as the eldest child, my mother told me my dad had lost his architectural business owing to a large Midwest recession. He was fifty-seven-years-old, and so depressed he was sitting around doing nothing. He had always expected to die at fifty-seven, the same age his father had suddenly died of a heart attack.

  This eventually impacted me, because I was so worried about my beloved father that I became depressed. It is a long story that I will tell in the next book about going deeper into emotional maturity.

  However, I can tell you now that it took only three sessions of family therapy for my father’s depression to lift as he found a job and renewed his lease on life. He lived for thirty-two more years.

  I found family therapy, and my Bowen experience so effective that I chose to use it exclusively in my own practice with clients after graduation. I’ve also turned to a Bowen coach any time I’ve had a major challenge in my own life I couldn’t handle readily on my own. My personal efforts and those guided by my coaches have been very rewarding, helping me to improve many relationships or situations. And my clients have also benefitted greatly.

  You need EMDR for that

  Fifteen years later I chose the efficient and effective EMDR approach, again, through my personal experience.

  Despite having Bowen’s excellent theory to guide me, after I started a private practice my clientele eventually fell off. I felt like a failure. Rather than face my fear of marketing which petrified me, I found a job. In 1997, the desire to be in private practice returned, although with trepidation.

  “I’m afraid of another failure,” I confided to a dear friend.

  She said, “Oh, you need EMDR for that!”

  I asked her, “What’s that?”

  She said, “EMDR is amazing!” and referred me to her EMDR therapist, Belle.

  Belle gave me the first phase of the EMDR protocol—the responsible and thorough history session—and prepared me for EMDR work (the second phase). Based on my history and my results with the self-help techniques, she gave me the rest of the eight-phase EMDR protocol during our second, ninety-minute session.

  I was delighted to find that all my fears of private practice disappeared during that session. My therapy was done. With this, I proved the initial research published by Francine Shapiro, EMDR’s developer. Shapiro found that those who experience single-event trauma can resolve it in one-to-three ninety-minute EMDR sessions.

  I immediately registered for the training to become an EMDR therapist.

  Shapiro encouraged therapists to integrate our EMDR practice with the other specialties we worked with. My goal has been to let the efficiency of EMDR improve the value of Bowen theory for my clients. It helps them improve their emotional maturity, and as a result, their relationships transform on all levels.

  Emotional maturity is the ability to be true to yourself despite the pressures from others to fit in. It also implies the ability to let others be different, while being able to set boundaries on behavior when necessary.

  Soon after completing EMDR training, I combined Bowen and EMDR to develop what I eventually called Integrative Bowen and EMDR, or iBE. The goal of iBE is to address Bowen’s categories of anxiety-binding mechanisms, or relationship ouches, with EMDR therapy. You will learn all about Bowen’s anxiety-binding mechanisms (ABMs) in this book. It is these often-hidden mechanisms that tear apart our relationships.

  Whether used with individuals or groups, iBE helps to neutralize distress about past events, and then educate people about healthier ways to handle similar issues using Bowen theory.

  This endeavor of using iBE with clients occupied me for ten years, after which I began to share my methods with other EMDR therapists. After developing a group iBE protocol in 2016 and researching the results, I am now ready to share my work with you.

  Who will be helped by this book

  This book is written in a user-friendly language, taking care to avoid psycho-babble and other language that might put off or confuse people.

  The book will serve the lay person who wants greater success and peace in their relationships. Bowen’s principles can become a roadmap through life, helping you figure out the useful detours to take when roadblocks are put up, or construction gets too chaotic. I hope you will find your life becoming more empowered and contented, and your relationships becoming more vital, useful resources for support, fun, and greater understanding.

  The book will also serve therapists curious to learn what can happen when integrating these two powerful healing approaches for the benefit of thei
r own clients.

  Bowen himself and therapists dedicated to Bowen’s theory often share their own stories of working on self in their families. I’ve learned valuable lessons through this practice. Thus, therapists will find that I share more about self than the average therapist. My goal is not to meet my own needs for attention, but to give examples that may give hope and encouragement to others. It can be comforting to learn about the struggles and eventual progress made by others.

  I invite Bowen therapists to read my take on Bowen theory. Since much of my training is through the oral tradition of working with therapist-coaches trained by Bowen or his trainees, I have found my experiences and stories can differ from that of other Bowen enthusiasts. In fact, very dedicated Bowen leaders have heard stories from Bowen that contradicted other stories he shared. I cannot resolve these discrepancies, but I can share that the principles and stories I’ve learned have helped me in my life and helped my clients as well. Please refer to appendix 1 for more information about how iBE therapy draws from both Bowen theory and EMDR therapy.

  Navigating this book

  Chapter structure

  The first two chapters of this book will help you see the big picture—the widespread nature of relationship problems and the potential for resolution now, for our future, and for the lives of our future generations.

  Chapter 2 delves into the details of Bowen theory and EMDR therapy to help you understand the reasons behind the changes recommended to improve your life. It’s important to understand the why before learning how to implement any theory.

  Chapters 3 through 10 are organized to help you discover and understand the hidden relationship-sabotaging anxiety-binding mechanisms (ABMs) identified by Bowen, and choose maturity-building principles (MBPs, named by me) to replace them and reverse the ABMs. Maturity-building principles value difference, and understanding the differences.