When I Do Relationships So Right How Do They Go So Wrong Read online

  PRAISE for

  When I Do Relationships So Right

  How Do They Go So Wrong?

  Books on improving relationships abound but few have the depth of consistent wisdom that is found on the pages of this book. Dana Terrell has achieved this through her applied knowledge of Bowen theory. She has made this theory her own with her unique integration of EMDR. This makes for a valuable book for anyone who cares about their relationship health—and let’s face it, there is no way to improved well-being without finding ways to do our relationships better.

  Jenny Brown, PhD, author of the excellent self-help book based on Bowen theory: Growing Yourself Up: How to bring your best to all of life's relationships

  . . . .

  From desensitization to discovery: merging two unlikely psychotherapies: Not only has Dana Terrell found the nexus that connects EMDR with Bowen family systems therapy, she offers a delicious rendering of both approaches along with poignant time capsules of her own life, enticing case examples, and “relationship ouches” as entre points into individual work. Bowen has been one of my inner guides since reading an anthology of his papers in my twenties. Thank you, Dana, for bringing him back to life for a new generation of psychotherapists and seekers of personal growth.

  Kate Cohen-Posey, MS, LMHC, LMFT

  Making Hostile Words Harmless

  . . . .

  This book touched my heart and life on so many levels. I’m glad Dana explained her view that panic comes from untreated PTSD. It was true for me. I suffered with panic attacks for years. No one understood that it was from months in a hospital so far from home in a ward with very handicapped children, in a body cast strapped in a bed.

  I am so thankful Dana Terrell was courageous enough to study and apply these beautiful principles to herself and came to understand human fears, behaviors, and patterns in order to teach the world. Otherwise, she could have become very “frozen” like her dear mother.

  I found the section on caregiving and care-receiving valuable. It is crucial for critically ill people to feel supported and loved. This is foundational to healing the immune system.

  Ellen Tart-Jensen,

  Health Is Your Birthright

  . . . .

  I give permission to include my Dad’s story in your book. What you are doing is very good. It will help a lot of people.

  Ronald Medicine Crow, son of Chief Joe Medicine Crow

  . . . .

  Endorsement from a reader prior to publication: After reading your book, I woke up at 3 a.m. with many thoughts, one of which was that everything would be OK in my relationship with my 32-year old daughter. She never seemed to grow out of the teenage condescending attitude towards parents. Now that she’s a surgical resident working 80+ hours a week, two things are working against us: one up/one down reciprocity (inherent in people with medical degrees?) and emotional-cutoff (due to her demanding schedule).

  Yet I now have a sense that everything will be fine, remembering how deep our preteen connection was, and even have ideas on how to rekindle that. I can’t tell you how astounding this is for me. I have a date to meet two friends as we are all troubled by our strained/estranged relationships with our adult children. I attribute my new hope to the Bowen material in this book.

  Shared anonymously

  Client Breakthroughs

  Emily: “Since my iBE work with you, I have joy! My husband hasn’t seen joy in me for a long time!”

  Paul (in his 70s): “I can see the changes happening in my daughter through her iBE therapy, so I feel you can help me, too.”

  Kyle: “I’ve made more progress with you in 3 months than in 20 years of talk therapy.”

  Jan: “I just learned about ‘I’ positions and used one with a sarcastic family member. Normally I would’ve let it bother me and avoided family events. Instead, I asked him to stop, gave him a reason, stood my ground, and like magic, there is no more issue. Seems like an easy thing, but not to someone who is used to just letting things be.”

  Sandra (seeing her overfunctioning pattern): “The more I gave the more they took.”

  Find inner strength by calm, courageous, daily practice of your most beloved principles.

  Your character will shine and light the generations to come.

  Dana Elken Terrell

  When I Do Relationships

  SO RIGHT

  How Do They Go

  SO WRONG

  Using Emotional Maturity to Transform Your Mind, Your Relationships, and the Generations to Come

  Dana Elken Terrell

  Copyright 2018 Dana Terrell, LCSW, EAC

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner, stored, or transmitted in any form or by any means: electronic, mechanical, or otherwise, including photocopy, recording or any information storage and retrieval system without the author’s written permission.

  Written by: Dana Elken Terrell, LCSW, EAC (LCS 13773)

  Published by Comprehensive Therapy Approach, Inc.

  3537 Boundary Street, San Diego, CA 92104

  619 283-5665 iBE Therapy [email protected]

  This book is accurate to the themes that universally affect humankind. But all names and identifying characteristics of individuals who have shared their stories have been changed, when requested, to protect their privacy.

  Cover design: Michael James Canales

  Interior graphics: Austin C. Donnell

  Editors: Jan Tucker, Debbie Rosenblatt

  Proofreader: Maggie Edwards

  First edition: May 2018

  ISBN:

  paperback: 978-1-948711-01-2

  hardcover: 978-1-948711-00-5

  E-ISBN: 978-1-948711-02-9

  Audiobook ISBN: 13:978-1-948711-03-6

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2018901785

  United States of America

  Dedicated with love

  To my dear, departed parents, Lucille Evanson Elken and Richard Guy Elken, for their noble examples of loving commitment to one another and to all they loved, for their positive outlook, doing their best and for Dad’s believing in me as a writer and encouraging me to write a book. I gave him one of the first drafts shortly before his passing in 2012.

  And to my dear husband, David Loren Terrell (1951 to 2017), for his sweet love and joy, his commitment to the love and practice of high principles, and for finding countless ways to support my purpose: to serve the cause of greater emotional maturity. He called this “our book.”

  David was a great believer in EMDR therapy and Bowen theory. He served at my June 2017 workshop as the “emotional protection team member.” When he introduced himself, he shared how many EMDR sessions he experienced. Thus, he set a great example that it is ok to get your needs met and heal. He overcame more significant difficulties (alcoholism, anxiety, and cancer) than anyone I know personally (I’m not speaking clinically now).

  I say he overcame cancer because he often said cancer was the best thing that ever happened to him. He sincerely meant it. For one thing, he never knew how much he was loved till his diagnosis. In his last months, he was in a beautiful state of loving everyone and everything. For another thing, once he got on disability, he used his free time for spiritual effort and was filled with joy and bliss much of the time. So, it was a true statement. With his super positive attitude, he turned it into a total blessing.

  When he introduced me at the workshop, he claimed I was a “world famous EMDR therapist.” Feeling embarrassed, I didn’t want to contradict him, so I simply hinted at his bias by s
aying, “he is my greatest fan.” The group erupted in applause.

  Introduction

  Why do relationships go so wrong?

  How can you make your relationships go right?

  The importance of change

  What are the secrets to relationship success?

  A structure to improve human behavior

  What drew me to Bowen theory? A personal story

  You need EMDR for that

  Who will be helped by this book

  Navigating this book

  Reversing societal regression

  Limits and Options

  Imagine

  Ch 1 Thinking Big—The Seventh Generation Principle

  A story of three generations

  Struggling with a lifelong mystery

  A psychological theory to help future generations

  As for Carl

  Applying Bowen theory

  A theory ahead of its time

  Bowen theory and schizophrenia

  Bowen theory on a larger scale

  Begin with the end in mind

  Current signs of societal regression

  Reversing societal regression

  Societal progression

  EMDR therapy

  Integrating Bowen and EMDR

  The Haudenosaunee Iroquois Confederacy’s Seventh Generation principle

  Bowen-style breakthroughs in my family’s three-generation story

  Creating societal progression

  Ch 2 Using Desensitization to Wake Up Your Healthy Mind

  Desensitizing anxiety and stress

  Reprocessing—EMDR’s advantage

  What does desensitization look like?

  The heart of EMDR

  How our minds heal—adaptive information processing (AIP)

  How Bowen desensitizes clients

  Why desensitize?

  Our senses can deceive us

  Example: a trip to the nursery

  Sensitivity can be positive or negative

  How EMDR therapy can help painful sensitivity

  Brain activity before and after desensitization

  Container exercise: self-help when your brain is sensitized

  Angie’s AIP

  What lies behind the AIP?

  The strengths gained from positive memories

  Angie today

  Ana’s happiness returns

  Activate your own AIP

  A self-help stress reduction exercise

  When feeling distress

  Maintaining positive sensitivity

  Secondary traumatization

  The politics of PTSD

  Corrine’s first PTSD symptom was panic

  More potent than drugs

  A milder example than PTSD

  How Bowen and EMDR (iBE) calm emotional reactivity

  Significant stress and trauma

  What is next?

  Ch 3 Understanding Conflict

  Bowen on conflict

  The dimensions of conflict

  Sadly, conflict is a part of life

  The effects of extreme conflict

  Understanding conflict can lead to resolution

  Beyond personal conflict: the war between the sexes

  Bowen’s conflict training brought more progress

  Inner conflict

  Conflict aimed at strangers

  Meeting conflict with wise differing

  Violence increases along with appetite for conflict

  Nonviolent communication

  On the way to emotional maturity

  The benefits of freedom from conflict

  There is reason for hope

  Ch 4 Choosing Understanding and Empathy

  Emotionally-mature responses

  Responses to conflict

  Responses to differences

  Relationship building

  Dealing with a critical spouse

  What if my feelings are hurt?

  Limited license to disagree and criticize

  Chief Joe Medicine Crow—courage and compassion

  From getting to understanding

  Distance or cutoff

  Immigrants

  Natives

  After getting a new name, what came next?

  Distance affects us in many more ways

  The phenomenon of breaking up

  Breakups are always painful

  Forgiveness

  Death, the distance we can’t avoid

  Funerals or memorial services

  Emotionally-mature relationships

  Repair skills

  A new meaning for well-connected

  The value of connection

  Support system strength survey

  Remember your support system

  Overcoming distance and cutoff

  An old fable

  A real-life fable

  Connection

  Life and connection

  Ch 7 Understanding Triangling—or Bringing in a Third

  Variations of triangling

  Triangling examples

  Understanding triangles and their effects

  A complicated triangle and its effect on a vulnerable child

  How can the focus be positive?

  Eye witness account: The high price to the child of positive child focus

  Identifying normal focus versus too much positive focus

  Negative child focus

  Triangling and schizophrenia

  A deeper look at gossip

  Retroactively repairing the damage of false gossip

  Questions inspired by the concept of triangling

  Ch 8 Choosing Direct, Personal, Committed Relationships

  The complexity of triangles

  Reversing the triangling move

  Averting gossip in a mature way

  What happens to triangles over time

  Gaining a neutral perspective

  Changing others by changing yourself

  Showing up and being vulnerable

  How to be safer from affairs

  When there is a lack of trust

  A benefit of commitment

  Triangle challenges

  Keeping helpful child focus appropriate

  Wise triangling may be useful

  Sexual harassment

  Workplace abuse

  Creativity, humor, and triangles

  Thinking strategically about triangles

  Ch 9 Understanding One Up/One Down Reciprocity

  About the phrase one up/one down

  What is overfunctioning/underfunctioning?

  Reciprocal behaviors

  Codependence may be more familiar than reciprocity

  Codependency in a broader sense

  Which way is up (from one up/one down)

  Risks of reciprocity

  What to do if you are one up or one down

  Reason for optimism

  Reciprocity travels through a family, with consequences

  Analysis

  Ch 10 Choosing Balance and Equality

  The emotionally-mature response

  Creating equality

  Taking responsibility for self

  The benefit of reducing expectations of others

  Changing and letting go of one up/one down roles

  Resolving reciprocity when it appears

  Ways to approach your request for equality

  When a caregiver asks for help

  Other ways to prevent caregiver burnout

  Learning and unlearning one up/one down

  Being conscious as a care receiver

  Social patterns of one up/one down

  Balance and equality are possible for all people

  Shining examples of balance and equality

  Balance is dynamic

  Ch 11 Creating “I” Positions

  Definition of the “I” position
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  How to develop your “I” positions

  How to be comfortable with the “I” position

  Allow others to have their own response

  How “I” positions help parents—and their children

  “I” positions can be called boundaries

  Risks, costs, and opportunities of the “I” position

  “I” positions of Nelson Mandela

  The need for mature leadership has never been greater

  Epilogue: Your Transformed Relationships and Beyond

  What this means for you

  What this means on a broader basis

  Appendix 1: How iBE Therapy was Developed

  The concepts of EMDR therapy I included in iBE therapy:

  iBE does not incorporate some aspects of Bowen theory. These include:

  Appendix 2: Pop Quiz Key

  Appendix 3: The Golden Rule

  Bibliography

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  About the Publisher

  Introduction

  Human beings are social creatures. We develop many relationships throughout our lives. These relationships are critically important for our survival. Our family, friends, and others in our social network sustain us through good times and bad. We need others in our lives to feel validated. Sometimes we need them to help us feel safe or simply to share our life experiences.

  When your relationships become awkward, stunted, distant, or broken in some way, it can cause a great deal of hurt and despair. Feelings of loss, loneliness, unworthiness, confusion, frustration, depression, or even anger are common in this situation. You might be at a total loss for how to heal a relationship that started out so well.

  Perhaps a misunderstanding has ballooned so far out of control that a close friend cuts off all communication, refusing to give you the chance to explain properly. Or maybe every family get-together seems like a chore that weighs you down when you’d rather be spending your precious time with people who understand you.

  It’s so upsetting when you have no idea how to mend fences or how to communicate with people in your life who seem so different. At worst, when a relationship fails, your life may seem to lack meaning until you can move beyond the hurt.

  If your relationships are causing frustration, sadness, or any of these feelings, this book will help you view yourself and your relationships from angles you may never have considered.