When I Do Relationships So Right How Do They Go So Wrong
PRAISE for
When I Do Relationships So Right
How Do They Go So Wrong?
Books on improving relationships abound but few have the depth of consistent wisdom that is found on the pages of this book. Dana Terrell has achieved this through her applied knowledge of Bowen theory. She has made this theory her own with her unique integration of EMDR. This makes for a valuable book for anyone who cares about their relationship health—and let’s face it, there is no way to improved well-being without finding ways to do our relationships better.
Jenny Brown, PhD, author of the excellent self-help book based on Bowen theory: Growing Yourself Up: How to bring your best to all of life's relationships
. . . .
From desensitization to discovery: merging two unlikely psychotherapies: Not only has Dana Terrell found the nexus that connects EMDR with Bowen family systems therapy, she offers a delicious rendering of both approaches along with poignant time capsules of her own life, enticing case examples, and “relationship ouches” as entre points into individual work. Bowen has been one of my inner guides since reading an anthology of his papers in my twenties. Thank you, Dana, for bringing him back to life for a new generation of psychotherapists and seekers of personal growth.
Kate Cohen-Posey, MS, LMHC, LMFT
Making Hostile Words Harmless
. . . .
This book touched my heart and life on so many levels. I’m glad Dana explained her view that panic comes from untreated PTSD. It was true for me. I suffered with panic attacks for years. No one understood that it was from months in a hospital so far from home in a ward with very handicapped children, in a body cast strapped in a bed.
I am so thankful Dana Terrell was courageous enough to study and apply these beautiful principles to herself and came to understand human fears, behaviors, and patterns in order to teach the world. Otherwise, she could have become very “frozen” like her dear mother.
I found the section on caregiving and care-receiving valuable. It is crucial for critically ill people to feel supported and loved. This is foundational to healing the immune system.
Ellen Tart-Jensen,
Health Is Your Birthright
. . . .
I give permission to include my Dad’s story in your book. What you are doing is very good. It will help a lot of people.
Ronald Medicine Crow, son of Chief Joe Medicine Crow
. . . .
Endorsement from a reader prior to publication: After reading your book, I woke up at 3 a.m. with many thoughts, one of which was that everything would be OK in my relationship with my 32-year old daughter. She never seemed to grow out of the teenage condescending attitude towards parents. Now that she’s a surgical resident working 80+ hours a week, two things are working against us: one up/one down reciprocity (inherent in people with medical degrees?) and emotional-cutoff (due to her demanding schedule).
Yet I now have a sense that everything will be fine, remembering how deep our preteen connection was, and even have ideas on how to rekindle that. I can’t tell you how astounding this is for me. I have a date to meet two friends as we are all troubled by our strained/estranged relationships with our adult children. I attribute my new hope to the Bowen material in this book.
Shared anonymously
Client Breakthroughs
Emily: “Since my iBE work with you, I have joy! My husband hasn’t seen joy in me for a long time!”
Paul (in his 70s): “I can see the changes happening in my daughter through her iBE therapy, so I feel you can help me, too.”
Kyle: “I’ve made more progress with you in 3 months than in 20 years of talk therapy.”
Jan: “I just learned about ‘I’ positions and used one with a sarcastic family member. Normally I would’ve let it bother me and avoided family events. Instead, I asked him to stop, gave him a reason, stood my ground, and like magic, there is no more issue. Seems like an easy thing, but not to someone who is used to just letting things be.”
Sandra (seeing her overfunctioning pattern): “The more I gave the more they took.”
Find inner strength by calm, courageous, daily practice of your most beloved principles.
Your character will shine and light the generations to come.
Dana Elken Terrell
When I Do Relationships
SO RIGHT
How Do They Go
SO WRONG
Using Emotional Maturity to Transform Your Mind, Your Relationships, and the Generations to Come
Dana Elken Terrell
Copyright 2018 Dana Terrell, LCSW, EAC
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner, stored, or transmitted in any form or by any means: electronic, mechanical, or otherwise, including photocopy, recording or any information storage and retrieval system without the author’s written permission.
Written by: Dana Elken Terrell, LCSW, EAC (LCS 13773)
Published by Comprehensive Therapy Approach, Inc.
3537 Boundary Street, San Diego, CA 92104
619 283-5665 iBE Therapy connect@iBEtherapy.com
This book is accurate to the themes that universally affect humankind. But all names and identifying characteristics of individuals who have shared their stories have been changed, when requested, to protect their privacy.
Cover design: Michael James Canales
Interior graphics: Austin C. Donnell
Editors: Jan Tucker, Debbie Rosenblatt
Proofreader: Maggie Edwards
First edition: May 2018
ISBN:
paperback: 978-1-948711-01-2
hardcover: 978-1-948711-00-5
E-ISBN: 978-1-948711-02-9
Audiobook ISBN: 13:978-1-948711-03-6
Library of Congress Control Number: 2018901785
United States of America
Dedicated with love
To my dear, departed parents, Lucille Evanson Elken and Richard Guy Elken, for their noble examples of loving commitment to one another and to all they loved, for their positive outlook, doing their best and for Dad’s believing in me as a writer and encouraging me to write a book. I gave him one of the first drafts shortly before his passing in 2012.
And to my dear husband, David Loren Terrell (1951 to 2017), for his sweet love and joy, his commitment to the love and practice of high principles, and for finding countless ways to support my purpose: to serve the cause of greater emotional maturity. He called this “our book.”
David was a great believer in EMDR therapy and Bowen theory. He served at my June 2017 workshop as the “emotional protection team member.” When he introduced himself, he shared how many EMDR sessions he experienced. Thus, he set a great example that it is ok to get your needs met and heal. He overcame more significant difficulties (alcoholism, anxiety, and cancer) than anyone I know personally (I’m not speaking clinically now).
I say he overcame cancer because he often said cancer was the best thing that ever happened to him. He sincerely meant it. For one thing, he never knew how much he was loved till his diagnosis. In his last months, he was in a beautiful state of loving everyone and everything. For another thing, once he got on disability, he used his free time for spiritual effort and was filled with joy and bliss much of the time. So, it was a true statement. With his super positive attitude, he turned it into a total blessing.
When he introduced me at the workshop, he claimed I was a “world famous EMDR therapist.” Feeling embarrassed, I didn’t want to contradict him, so I simply hinted at his bias by s
aying, “he is my greatest fan.” The group erupted in applause.
Introduction
Why do relationships go so wrong?
How can you make your relationships go right?
The importance of change
What are the secrets to relationship success?
A structure to improve human behavior
What drew me to Bowen theory? A personal story
You need EMDR for that
Who will be helped by this book
Navigating this book
Reversing societal regression
Limits and Options
Imagine
Ch 1 Thinking Big—The Seventh Generation Principle
A story of three generations
Struggling with a lifelong mystery
A psychological theory to help future generations
As for Carl
Applying Bowen theory
A theory ahead of its time
Bowen theory and schizophrenia
Bowen theory on a larger scale
Begin with the end in mind
Current signs of societal regression
Reversing societal regression
Societal progression
EMDR therapy
Integrating Bowen and EMDR
The Haudenosaunee Iroquois Confederacy’s Seventh Generation principle
Bowen-style breakthroughs in my family’s three-generation story
Creating societal progression
Ch 2 Using Desensitization to Wake Up Your Healthy Mind
Desensitizing anxiety and stress
Reprocessing—EMDR’s advantage
What does desensitization look like?
The heart of EMDR
How our minds heal—adaptive information processing (AIP)
How Bowen desensitizes clients
Why desensitize?
Our senses can deceive us
Example: a trip to the nursery
Sensitivity can be positive or negative
How EMDR therapy can help painful sensitivity
Brain activity before and after desensitization
Container exercise: self-help when your brain is sensitized
Angie’s AIP
What lies behind the AIP?
The strengths gained from positive memories
Angie today
Ana’s happiness returns
Activate your own AIP
A self-help stress reduction exercise
When feeling distress
Maintaining positive sensitivity
Secondary traumatization
The politics of PTSD
Corrine’s first PTSD symptom was panic
More potent than drugs
A milder example than PTSD
How Bowen and EMDR (iBE) calm emotional reactivity
Significant stress and trauma
What is next?
Ch 3 Understanding Conflict
Bowen on conflict
The dimensions of conflict
Sadly, conflict is a part of life
The effects of extreme conflict
Understanding conflict can lead to resolution
Beyond personal conflict: the war between the sexes
Bowen’s conflict training brought more progress
Inner conflict
Conflict aimed at strangers
Meeting conflict with wise differing
Violence increases along with appetite for conflict
Nonviolent communication
On the way to emotional maturity
The benefits of freedom from conflict
There is reason for hope
Ch 4 Choosing Understanding and Empathy
Emotionally-mature responses
Responses to conflict
Responses to differences
Relationship building
Dealing with a critical spouse
What if my feelings are hurt?
Limited license to disagree and criticize
Chief Joe Medicine Crow—courage and compassion
From getting to understanding
Distance or cutoff
Immigrants
Natives
After getting a new name, what came next?
Distance affects us in many more ways
The phenomenon of breaking up
Breakups are always painful
Forgiveness
Death, the distance we can’t avoid
Funerals or memorial services
Emotionally-mature relationships
Repair skills
A new meaning for well-connected
The value of connection
Support system strength survey
Remember your support system
Overcoming distance and cutoff
An old fable
A real-life fable
Connection
Life and connection
Ch 7 Understanding Triangling—or Bringing in a Third
Variations of triangling
Triangling examples
Understanding triangles and their effects
A complicated triangle and its effect on a vulnerable child
How can the focus be positive?
Eye witness account: The high price to the child of positive child focus
Identifying normal focus versus too much positive focus
Negative child focus
Triangling and schizophrenia
A deeper look at gossip
Retroactively repairing the damage of false gossip
Questions inspired by the concept of triangling
Ch 8 Choosing Direct, Personal, Committed Relationships
The complexity of triangles
Reversing the triangling move
Averting gossip in a mature way
What happens to triangles over time
Gaining a neutral perspective
Changing others by changing yourself
Showing up and being vulnerable
How to be safer from affairs
When there is a lack of trust
A benefit of commitment
Triangle challenges
Keeping helpful child focus appropriate
Wise triangling may be useful
Sexual harassment
Workplace abuse
Creativity, humor, and triangles
Thinking strategically about triangles
Ch 9 Understanding One Up/One Down Reciprocity
About the phrase one up/one down
What is overfunctioning/underfunctioning?
Reciprocal behaviors
Codependence may be more familiar than reciprocity
Codependency in a broader sense
Which way is up (from one up/one down)
Risks of reciprocity
What to do if you are one up or one down
Reason for optimism
Reciprocity travels through a family, with consequences
Analysis
Ch 10 Choosing Balance and Equality
The emotionally-mature response
Creating equality
Taking responsibility for self
The benefit of reducing expectations of others
Changing and letting go of one up/one down roles
Resolving reciprocity when it appears
Ways to approach your request for equality
When a caregiver asks for help
Other ways to prevent caregiver burnout
Learning and unlearning one up/one down
Being conscious as a care receiver
Social patterns of one up/one down
Balance and equality are possible for all people
Shining examples of balance and equality
Balance is dynamic
Ch 11 Creating “I” Positions
Definition of the “I” position
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How to develop your “I” positions
How to be comfortable with the “I” position
Allow others to have their own response
How “I” positions help parents—and their children
“I” positions can be called boundaries
Risks, costs, and opportunities of the “I” position
“I” positions of Nelson Mandela
The need for mature leadership has never been greater
Epilogue: Your Transformed Relationships and Beyond
What this means for you
What this means on a broader basis
Appendix 1: How iBE Therapy was Developed
The concepts of EMDR therapy I included in iBE therapy:
iBE does not incorporate some aspects of Bowen theory. These include:
Appendix 2: Pop Quiz Key
Appendix 3: The Golden Rule
Bibliography
Acknowledgments
About the Author
About the Publisher
Introduction
Human beings are social creatures. We develop many relationships throughout our lives. These relationships are critically important for our survival. Our family, friends, and others in our social network sustain us through good times and bad. We need others in our lives to feel validated. Sometimes we need them to help us feel safe or simply to share our life experiences.
When your relationships become awkward, stunted, distant, or broken in some way, it can cause a great deal of hurt and despair. Feelings of loss, loneliness, unworthiness, confusion, frustration, depression, or even anger are common in this situation. You might be at a total loss for how to heal a relationship that started out so well.
Perhaps a misunderstanding has ballooned so far out of control that a close friend cuts off all communication, refusing to give you the chance to explain properly. Or maybe every family get-together seems like a chore that weighs you down when you’d rather be spending your precious time with people who understand you.
It’s so upsetting when you have no idea how to mend fences or how to communicate with people in your life who seem so different. At worst, when a relationship fails, your life may seem to lack meaning until you can move beyond the hurt.
If your relationships are causing frustration, sadness, or any of these feelings, this book will help you view yourself and your relationships from angles you may never have considered.